I just finished listening to the audiobook From Strength to Strength: Finding Success, Happiness and Deep Purpose in the Second Half of Life. Considering that I’m in this category, I felt I should get some insight on what I might need to change in my next few years on the planet. As the book was coming to a close the author presented this idea of real friends versus deal friends.
Over the last few years of my life, I’ve become acquainted with quite a few people. Some would even venture to say that we are friends. But reading this section of the book gave me great pause. Are the people that I regularly hang out with real friends or not?
Excluding my spouse and immediate family, I feel confident in knowing who my real friends are…or do I? Deal friendships tend to be transactional. Meaning, if you scratch my back, I may be inclined to scratch yours if it’s not too inconvenient. A deal friend may be someone with whom I regularly have dinner with, or who I chat with consistently. But are we always making a deal? Is that relationship solely based on a transaction? And if so, are the transactions fair or one sided? In other words, is one person always benefitting over the other? This led me to think about some of whom I believed to be real friends. It would seem that those who I thought were in the real friend category are actually in the deal friend category.
My real friends know me. They know my fears, my shames, and have seen me ugly cry. We don’t have secrets because they know when I’m holding back. My real friends aren’t looking to gain anything from me except unconditional love and support. We don’t judge each other. Ever. My real friends pick up my call, even when they are busy just to tell me they will call back. This is our litmus test. Your test might be quite different. Regardless, you should know in your heart of hearts who your real friends are.
A quick exercise that the author shared was to create a list of the 5-10 people you speak to regularly, excluding family. Beside each name identify each person as a real friend or a deal friend. If your list had more deal friends than it’s time to make a change.
Seek out meaningful connections with people who really matter to you. Reconnect with friends from the past to see if you still have things in common. Be self-reflective in assessing why each fits the respective category.
The busier our lives have become often make it harder to ensure true friendships. We associate with people because we work together or because our kids play with each other. Evaluating where and how people fit in your life become more important as we mature into the second phase of our lives. What are your thoughts? Do you agree or not? Comment below.